My grandpa died and everything changed.
In one brief moment the loss of a life that had always been there caused the change of every future moment.
I am not the same as I was and I never will be again. I don’t know who I am anymore and maybe I never will.
He died on a rainy Thursday and who I was, who I thought I was irrevocably became less.
The impact one man had on my life, a steady force that was always there, always; ruined my trajectory.
What path was I on? Where am I going?
These questions are now haunting me, becoming my oppressor. Who was I and who am I now?
I am lost and nothing I did caused a change in direction.
My grandpa finally rested and now I don’t know what I am supposed to do. I can keep my hands occupied enough to keep my mind at bay.
What was my purpose going to be? I never thought about him being so valuable to me; it just never occurred. He was always there. I never realized the presence he had in my life, because he kept silent and watched us all grow up.
And now that we are grown and he is gone the questions keep coming and the tears won’t go away and I am lost and I am sad and I don’t know what was or will be or even what is.
These words I write and think and feel are nothing compared with the sudden silence his life has now become.
I cannot escape the feeling that I am not doing what I should even though I am doing what needs done.
I am immersed in mediocrity and the job I have and the education I am getting and the family I am raising are all suddenly put into a perspective.
It is fitting that the air is cold and the leaves are changing and falling and drying and turning into their final ultimate purpose. In their death they are now able to bring life to the earth. Their decay means something else might live and thrive. So while my grandpa was here we were all in the shade of his life but now from his passing what should we do?
The tears are taunting me challenging me daring me to do something different and powerful and purposeful.
…surely what I am about to share you already must know. Be thankful for the blessing of having someone like him in your life when you had loss occur. Your tears are not in vain, but rather an acknowledgment of love and devotion–not a measure of realizing mediocrity. None of us really know what will be or what is…we feign the actuality of it all only to be subject to the Lord’s Will anyway. It is only then, in realizing this fact, that you will find peace and comfort in knowing that your grandfather meant so much more to your “now”, “then” and “when” than you can possibly know. The Lord will give you direction, he will speak to you, he will guide you always–you need only to quiet yourself and listen.